Sunday, 20 January 2008

*still figuring out the title*

Disclaimer: This is will be a super emoed post! So don't read on and scroll down to the next post if you wouldn't want to be infected with the emoeba bacterium caused disease.

Lately my blog doesn't really serve it's purpose to be the expression of what I truly feel. It's been too "cheerful" for the pass month but deep within I'm seriously depressed.

Haha (not happy kinda haha) just notice that my blog seriously not for emo blogging. The layout doesn't allow the user to type much words before making everyone doze off after the long long scrolling down to finish up the post. That's why I choose the smallest font.

So what is I my mind? I myself is seeking for the answer. Is the random time that my biological clock telling me that I'm having my male version of PMS. I really dunno what had happen to me. With all this trips and outings I should be enjoying myself at the peak of my life, but at the deepest and darkest corner of my heart ask me not to.

Yeap is no other than my stupid quest for my architecture degree. Maybe the quest is too difficult for me to endure. Maybe I should just turn backward and do other better things. But at the end will I regret for not doing what I dreaming to do and work so hard for? My wish is just simple. Able to graduate from a ok ok uni of my choice of degree but not spending too much money or time. It seems everyone is doing it. Engineering, accountancy, biosciences, yada yada yada but not Architecture. I'm not greedy nor asking alot from all of these. Im just asking for a course of my choice yet it seems so difficult. Furthermore hey I still need to pay for it and this field doesn't really guarantee you for a job.

It all lies in our stupid Malaysia Education System. A stupid system which can't even look after of their own citizen. SO BAD that everyone need to go look for their own options as if the whole country do not have enough universities. Even there is uni then there's this funny joke of admission only to STPM and matrix student and INTERNATIONAL student with Edexcel A-levels result. Ermm sounds familiar, hey I have one myself but I also have my My Kad intact with it so does this means I'm not eligible? Ok fine, maybe I shall migrate to Singapore or something and be a citizen there and use my new Singapore IC and Edexcel A-levels result to apply. Then I will be very eligible? But wait a minute, if I'm a citizen of Singapore or Australia or wherever why don't I just apply for their uni which is in Top 100 while ours err dropped out from the ranking?

Well I'm not really complaining it being unfair. I do embrace myself being who I am. I wouldn't be here if I'm not a Malaysian. Being a Chinese Malaysian is not easy. We are almost scrapped to nothing and we have to fight for everything we dream for. Which why make us to tough and flexible in whatever we are doing. Maybe what I'm going thru now is the part of the "training" to be a Chinese Malaysian.

I've said that I regretted that I did A-levels and all but looking back that is just what I say to make myself feel better. I still stand by with all the decisions I made in my life. It is the best options of that time and place. It wouldn't make me as who I am today if not because of those choices I made. Even A-levels might seems to be a waste of time but seriously I do learn alot from it. Yet it be educational or even how it taught me to be an adult.

Talking bout being an adult really has it price to pay. When we were young we so wanted to grow up so that we are able to do this and that. But when you are really there all those things no longer important to you and other things start to pop up from no where. Ones will start to see things are no longer so easy as they wish. And every wish has it's sacrifices and the sad side of it. Things are no longer as easy as "When you work hard for it, then you will get it". Maybe its' still too early for me to say that. But this will be the case as I still need to get my freaking degree just to able to realise my dream.

Well I actually thinks about what I would like to type in this post when I was bathing just now. There's so much to say on this matter. But it do serve it's purpose to lighten up the burden off my shoulders. This post is not merely just to complain but also to find a solution for me to think towards the right direction for the next few months up to May for NUS to reply me.

I seriously need to find so goals for this few months. Hah! so relieve after typing all this crap out. Don't read it coz it is really a waste of time. But if you have read it up to here I guess you must be cursing me by now. Never thought typing can make me so hungry, so I think I shall cook myself a carbonara spaghetti now. Haha (happy kinda haha)

And I found an emoticon for emo.

No comments:

My very alive... please bear with me for a little while... I swear I will be back!